How to be a Shinigami for Dummies
by Jaylonni Love
Summary: Crack!fic. Want to be the best Shinigami you can be? Well Renji's got some tips for you with special appearances from Ichigo Kurosaki, Rukia Kuchiki, and Byakuya Kuchiki.
1. Hair Colour & Length

_My brain is fried due to school right now so excuse me. This story is pure crack and probably won't make any sense._

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_How to be a Shinigami for Dummies_

_By: Jaylonni Love_

_Tip #1 – Hair Colour & Length_

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"Oi, Ichigo," the red haired lieutenant called to the orange haired substitute shinigami as he randomly walked through the Seireitei.

Ichigo – the orange haired male – turned, irking a brow at the red head as he folded his arms over his chest, "Renji, what do you want?"

Renji stopped when he stood in front of the slightly shorter orange haired teen, "I've got this presentation today for the new recruits on how to make it in the sixth division and I need your help."

"With," Ichigo pressed, his eyebrow rising higher behind his bangs.

"A demonstration," Renji said nonchalantly. He saw the way Ichigo tensed before adding, "It'll be pain free, not like the last time. We're not shooting any movies any time soon."

Ichigo sighed. He remembered all too vividly all the hell he went through almost two years earlier when he had been asked to help Renji and Rukia with their movie for the Seireitei's movie festival. He had almost been clobbered, nearly shredded, and almost obliterated by Byakuya's Senbonzakura and Kidō and to top it off, he had fallen into a dark ditch that had damn near killed him! It was then that he vowed to never help them with another one of their wacky ideas ever again and he wasn't going to break his vow now.

"So whadda you say, Ichigo," Renji asked the orange haired male when he failed to immediately give him an answer.

Ichigo sighed, _This is definitely going against what I vowed the last time I was asked for my help in something ludicrous like this. "_Fine I'll help you but if I get hurt, that's your ass Renji. Got it?"

Renji rolled his eyes, "I promise it's nothing painful now c'mon. The thing is about to start."

He grabbed the front of Ichigo's kosode and pulled the orange haired teen behind him roughly to the hall the new recruits were waiting in.

…

"Does anyone know what this presentation is about," one person whispered.

"No idea but the lieutenant called for us to be here today at this time," another answered. "I tried asking some of the squad members what this was about but they said they never had to go through this before."

"Maybe it's a new tradition the Captain and Lieutenant decided upon and we're the first ones to test it?" the first person said.

"I kind of doubt that but we'll see," the second person responded before they heard someone clear their throat.

Everyone looked to the stage that had been set up to see the red haired lieutenant standing there with an orange haired male who they guessed to be Ichigo Kurosaki, the substitute Shinigami they had heard so much about judging by the colour of his hair. The lieutenant stepped forward, "Welcome new recruits of the sixth division. I'm your lieutenant, Renji Abarai and this is the Substitute Shinigami, Ichigo Kurosaki. Today I'm going to talk to you about how to be the best shinigami you can be while you're in service of the Gotei 13."

"And what would you suggest we do, Lieutenant Abarai," a blond young man asked as he adjusted his glasses on his nose.

"Well if you'd shut your damn mouth you'd know, now wouldn't you, four eyes," Renji asked turning his head to the left to look at the young male who nodded. "Good, now if you will all listen, I'll get started."

Everyone gave a quick nod.

"Alright," Renji said as he slapped a hand down on Ichigo's back, "The first tip to being a great shinigami is your hair colour."

"Hair colour," one girl asked.

"Hair colour," asked a male.

"Hair colour, really," Ichigo questioned irking a brow at the red head. "Is that why you brought me in here?"

"Yes, hair colour," Renji said ignoring the orange haired teen. "The four hair colours that the most bad ass shinigami rock are red," he held up a piece of his own hair. "Orange," he reached for a lock of Ichigo's hair earning a slap on the hand in the process before he grabbed it. "Black like Captain Kuchiki's," he said releasing the substitute. "And white, like Captain Hitsugaya and Head Captain Yamamoto as well as Captain Ukitake but he doesn't count so much since he's always sick."

Ichigo stared at Renji like he was nuts – which he probably was because he was talking about hair colour. The recruits however, just looked at him as he went on, afraid to say anything for fear of getting in trouble.

"Hair length is also very important," Renji continued as he placed a fist to his hip. "If your hair reaches your shoulders, you should wear it up in a ponytail like mine. And if you want to make your hair gravity defying like mine, the way you do it is to push Kidō into your locks, which gives them that static-y affect. Also, when you engage in battle if you're getting your ass handed to you – which is very likely to happen for most of you – when you release your hair, let it flow down around you, you look like a total bad ass that way."

Everyone blinked, random crickets creaking in the background, before someone raised their hand, clearing their throat.

Renji looked over and irked a brow, "What is it?"

"What if you don't have hair that's any of those colours, that length, or no hair at all, Lieutenant," the bald male asked. "As you can see, I'm bald. Everything you just said can't apply to me."

Renji snorted, shrugging his shoulders, "Well then you're shit out of luck, baldy."

Jaws dropped – Ichigo included – as Renji turned his nose up in the air, "Hair is very important when it comes to being a shinigami. If you don't have hair, you have a personal problem unless your name is Ikkaku Madarame, which it isn't."

And once again, an awkward silence washed over them.

"I'm so out of here," Ichigo said as he turned to leave, his head shaking from side to side as he walked away.

"Oi, Ichigo, can you send Rukia in when you see her?" Renji called after the orange haired substitute who waved his hand in the air as a means to tell him sure. "Great, thanks!"

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_Making sense? No? Good, it's not supposed to. And just a heads up each chapter is 1000 words a piece, maybe a little more, maybe a little less. It just depends. This is number 1 of 3._


	2. Kidō

_How to be a Shinigami for Dummies_

_By: Jaylonni Love_

_Tip #2 – Kidō_

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"Renji," Rukia called as she walked into the hall, her brows crinkled in confusion, "Ichigo said you wanted to see me?"

"Oi, Rukia, it's about time you made it!" said red haired lieutenant called as he jogged over to the short raven haired woman before taking her small wrist in his large hand and dragging her back to where the recruits waited. He stopped, jerking her forward to stand in front of him, "This is Rukia Kuchiki, Lieutenant of the thirteenth division and Captain Kuchiki's younger sister. She's here to help with segment two of today's meeting."

"I'm sorry, what," Rukia said looking up at the redhead who waved her off.

"My second tip on how to be one of the best shinigami in the Gotei 13 is mastering Kidō," Renji said before gesturing to Rukia. "Rukia here is excellent at Kidō, even though she's quite partial to Sōkatsui, which is her absolute favourite. However I'm not the best so she's perfect for this demonstration."

"Renji what exactly am I doing here," Rukia questioned placing her fists on her hips. "I'm a bit busy and you're holding me up from doing what I need to do."

"I just need you to do something really quick for me, Rukia," Renji said looking down at the short woman. "I'm not the greatest at Kidō and you know that so I need you to demonstrate how to use it effectively."

Rukia deadpanned, "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Renji confirmed, grinning.

A smirk crossed her features; whatever was going through her head at the moment had to be full proof, "Sure I'll help you, Renji. It's not a big deal at all."

"Great, thanks–" the red head started before he was cut off.

"Hadō number thirty three, Sōkatsui," Rukia yelled, directing the blow directly at Renji – who it hit – before turning to leave. "There's your Kidō lesson."

Renji, remained on the floor, his foot twitching, spaz like.

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**It's not supposed to make sense, don't say I didn't warn you.**


	3. Have a bad ass Zanpakutō

_How to be a Shinigami for Dummies_

_By: Jaylonni Love_

_Tip #3 – Have a bad ass Zanpakutō_

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Byakuya arrived to see his lieutenant twitching on the ground of the stage, the new recruits staring up at him. His brow rose, mouth set in a firm frown, "Renji... what are you doing?"

The redhead in question glanced up from his temporarily stunned pose at the captain before quickly standing and dusting himself off, "Taicho, sorry. Rukia was just giving a Kidō lesson to the new recruits or so I thought until she turned and used Sōkatsui on me and well, that's why I was on the ground when you showed up."

He stood, dusting himself off before turning to look at the crowd again.

"Recruits, meet our captain," Renji said gesturing to the stoic raven haired man. "This is Captain Kuchiki, the twenty-eighth Head of the notorious Kuchiki clan. He's here to help us with our final demonstration of the day. Step three to being the best Shinigami you can possibly be is to have a totally bad ass Zanpakutō. Take mine for example."

He reached for the hilt of his katana, removing it from the sheath to show everyone.

"This is Zabimaru in his sealed state," Renji explained. "But when I call out his name like this..." he paused a moment before placing the palm of his hand on the blade and carefully running it across, "Roar, Zabimaru!"

The sword then transformed, causing the crowd to "ooh" and "aah".

"I would show you my bankai," Renji boasted. "But I don't think we have enough time for that."

He went to sheath his sword again after returning it to his sealed from before turning to Byakuya.

"Captain Kuchiki's Zanpakutō is different from my own," Renji explained gesturing to the quiet man's sword that rested at his hip. "His Senbonzakura is one of the most well known because of the deadly beauty it exudes. Captain, would you be willing to give a demonstration of how your Zanpakutō works?"

"...no," Byakuya said evenly.

"Wha-? Why?" Renji said, stunned.

"I do not remember authorizing this meeting, Renji," Byakuya said as he turned to walk away. "And it is a waste of time. I came to find you because you have paperwork that needs to be done. Wrap it up."

"Uh... yeah, right," Renji said before turning back to the crowd, "Well there you go, the three steps to being the best shinigami you can possibly be. Hopefully you all took notes, now I have to go."

He turned, running off after his captain leaving the recruits sitting there staring at one another.

"Did anyone understand that?" one said irking a brow.

"Not one bit," another answered.

"Nope," said one.

"It was pointless," another put in.

"Let's get out of here," a male said.

"I agree," everyone said in unison before standing up and leaving.

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**And that completes my crack.**


End file.
